Rough morning

I expected this morning to be like the recent mornings: Evan to breastfeed well then fall asleep peacefully. The nurse asked me, "So is he usually kept hooked up to the machines when he eats?" I told her no, that he has been disconnected because he hasn't had any episodes while eating.

First, the lactation consultant never showed up for our 8:30am appointment. I took this calmly, thinking we'll just have to reschedule.

Then Evan breastfed for about 10 minutes and fell asleep. Usually he goes twice that long. The nurse prepared the rest of the feeding in a bottle and he gulped it eagerly after I woke him up. After a few minutes, I wanted to readjust the pillow under him, to put him more upright (helps with the reflux) so I had to pull the bottle out of his mouth. As I adjusted the pillow I watched his face. He seemed to be sleeping. Suddenly his face turned grey. I repositioned him, feeling panic coming on. He was still grey. I yelled out the nurse's name. No response. Evan's body was limp. I sat him up more, rubbing his back. I then cried out the name, this time desperate and crying: "MARTIE!!" In two seconds four nurses were with me.

"What? What?" They asked worriedly, because at this point I was bawling. "He turned grey..." I said. "No, he looks fine," the nurse said who now had Evan in her hands, burping him on my lap. "See? He's pink, he's fine..."

It turns out he had almost fully recovered by the time the nurses came. They all said it was really good I recognized his color change, that I stimulated him, that I did the right thing. I'm sure bawling hysterically is not included in doing the "right thing". As for me, it took me longer to recover. I was still crying as I held the beautifully rosy Evan in my arms. The lactation consultant was now there, and we rescheduled.

After that, time to pump! I went in the "Parents' room" specially reserved for pumping moms. Halfway through my pumping, a nurse just walked right in without knocking. She had the nerve to stand there staring at me asking when I'd be done because she wanted to eat her lunch there. I wanted to throw something heavy at her. But instead she left and I just cried some more.

After the pumping, I went into the NICU again and complained about the nurse, about all the people that just walk in on me despite the sign on the door that says "IN USE". The nurse I was talking to even led me to the staff lounge to look at photos of all the nurses, to point her out as if in a lineup. No photo of her.

Anyway, I think I want to erase this morning and start all over again. Can I just do that? It's all I can do.